Saturday, January 21, 2012

Great Sorrow

"There is no greater sorrow than to recall happiness in times of misery." -
Dante Alighieri

While watching television with my wife the quote above was shared by one of the main characters.  It really resonated with me. 

Readers of this blog may think that we are living in a state of misery.  Yes we do.  But we still try day in day out to make something of our days. 

We may be broken in spirit, but our family is not broken.  We still have a great life.  My wife and I have each other to love.  We have Alex to embody our hopes and unfortunately for him the object of our affections. 

We have our extended family so willing to extend a hand to assist and shoulder to lean on.  We have friends that are just waiting to swoop in and be there for us. 

For this I am a rich man.

Yet I will not deny that there is a pall over us.  Hearing this Dante quote tonight made me think.  When do I feel the loss of Marcus the most?  Is it when I am miserable, having a tough day at work or juts an altogether lousy day. 

The answer is the opposite. 

I miss him more when I am having a great day.  I miss him the most when my family is cheery and together.  When my good days happen is when I think of him most.  Because he should be here to share those times.  It never fails, with Alex too.  Whenever he brings his brother up is during a laugh session of some sort.  I am certain he misses sharing laughs with him. 

So I guess the reason why the quote resonated to me is because of the exact opposite.  My greatest sorrow is that in my happiest of days, I am reminded of my most sorrowful hour.

After a win at KWU in Salina KS

At WalMart in McPherson KS waaay after midnight

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Holidays 2011

Everyday is tough.  But if there is a time when my family misses Marcus the most it is during school breaks.  There is a certain panic that comes over me when I see the calendar counting down towards Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

The sentimentality of these holidays feel like an elephant is resting on my chest.  The past couple of years we have done a great job distracting ourselves.  This year we failed miserably.  We did absolutely nothing.  We planned on joining my in-laws for Thanksgiving Day but cancelled the day before.  To their credit my in-laws were really gracious and very understanding.

Christmas was the same way.  No energy.  No celebratory spirit for the season.  New Years was exactly the same way.  I felt numbed.  Just going through the motions.  I hate being around our extended families, because I just feel like a wet blanket.  I feel like we are hindering all from a true celebration.  After counting down the New Year, I did all i can to stay festive and cheery.  But I felt like I just hit my limit.  Apparently I laid down and took a nap.

This year also marked the first year our youngest was not with Trish and I for New Year's Eve.  He chose to celebrate it with his girlfriend and a bunch of their friends.  I recall when Marcus first asked if he can celebrate New Year's Eve with friends I was angry.  But I finally warmed up to the idea that our boys will grow up and make their choices.  This year I was glad that Alex felt like celebrating.  I was Saddened that he was not there but at the same time proud that he is becoming independent.

My Lola being in the hospital since before Thanksgiving did not help much.  Although sending time with her and seeing her as feisty as ever towards the nurses, gave us plenty of reason to smile.  Lola means grandmother in Filipino. 

This year we at least tried to stay positive at each other.  No sniping. No taking out our frustrations on each another.  

Why do I share this?    Fuck if I know. 

Perhaps if you read this and you still arrogantly Text and Drive maybe you will stop. 

Pull over.  Wait. 

No text, post, tweet or picture is important enough.  None!

2003 was waaaay different from 2011.